Two Way Street - Not a Dead End

Reading I Corinthians 13 this morning put me in a great mood....still going 3 hours later!  :)

When I read the part about "Love is...." (verses 4-8), my Father reminded me that this love described in these few verses is not simply the love He is telling me to have for others.  This love is His love for me, for us.  That is where love started...with Him...given to us...demonstrated in creation, history, and especially in Jesus Christ, our Savior and His Son, and today in the blessing of life itself.

He is patient, kind, not boastful or arrogant, doesn't think evil of us, and His love never fails.  My love for Him and other varies, blows in the wind, rises and falls, but He loves me all the time.  His thoughts about me (about you) are without number.  My Daddy (Abba, Father) actually likes me.  The great God of the universe knows my name, prepares a place for me to be with Him forever, promises to always be with me and never let me out of His sight. 

I don't know what that does to your heart, but in the uncertainly of circumstances and at this point on the time-line of history, knowing Jesus Christ as my Savior and Friend, means that His life, death, and resurrection have purchased for me new life, eternal life, abundant life, and peace that defies logic.

We are at one of the most vulnerable, potentially frightening times in my life.  In the middle of it all, my Jesus gives me life and breath and everything else I need.  Why would I not love Him back!  I will and then one day step into eternity to see Him as He really is.  As a friend told me recently, "when I get to heaven, I think I will just follow Jesus around and not let Him out of my sight.".  Great idea!  See you there?

Four Questions for Two Lists - How to deal with guilt and hurt... privately

 

Four Questions for Two Lists

Hebrews 12:1,2; Matthew 5:4; Matthew 11:28-30; I John 1:9; James 5:16; I Peter 5:7

List 1:  Using the Top Ten Soul Needs list (see the list below) – prepare to take steps that will grow your love for one another in marriage.

After reviewing the Top Ten Soul Needs list, please take time with God asking the following questions - scripture references are provided if you want some help answering the questions:

1. Father, would you please show me how I have hurt my spouse and our marriage relative to not meeting these needs consistently? (Mark 10:42-45, Romans 3:23, Philippians 2:3-4)

2. Father, how do you feel about what I have done to hurt my marriage and my spouse?  (Romans 6:23, John 8: 1-11)

3. Father, how do you feel about me even though I have done these things?  (Romans 8: 38-39, Romans 6:23)

4. Father, now what should I do as the next steps to healing and growing my relationship with my spouse? (1 John 1:9, Matthew 5: 23-24, James 5:16, Hebrews 12:1-2)

List 2:  Using the Top Ten Soul Needs list – prepare to take more steps that will grow your love for one another:

After reviewing the Top Ten Soul Needs list, please take time with God asking the following questions - scripture references are provided if you want some help answering the questions:

1. Father, would you please show me how I have been hurt by my spouse relative to not having these needs met consistently? (Genesis 2:18, Ephesians 5:21, Philippians 2:3-4)

2. Father, how do you feel about the hurt I have experienced?(Matthew 11:28-30)

3. Father, how do you feel about me when I have been hurt? (Romans 8:38-39, Psalm 27:10)

4. Father, now what should I do as next steps to personal healing and in order to help grow my relationship with my spouse? (I Peter 5:7, Matthew 5:4, Ephesians 4:31-32, Hebrews 12:1-2)

Please note:

Do not bring up old wounds that have truly been healed

Do not judge the sincerity of your partner’s confessions

Realize each of us needs more than one miracle in life; usually, healing is a process not an event

The idea is to heal as individuals so the marriage you build has a stronger foundation

Top 10 Soul Needs [1]

Acceptance - deliberate and ready reception with a favorable positive response, even after failure (Rom. 15:7).

Affection – to communicate care and closeness through physical touch and words (Rom. 16:16).

Appreciation – to communicate with words and feelings a personal gratefulness for another (I Cor. 11:2).

Approval – expressed commendation; to think and speak well of (Rom. 14:18).

Attention – to take thought of another and convey appropriate interest and support; to enter into another’s “world” (I Cor. 12:25).

Comfort (empathy) – to come alongside with word, feeling and touch; to give consolation with tenderness (Rom. 12:15).

Encouragement – to urge forward and positively persuade toward a goal (I Thes. 5:11, Heb. 10:24).

Respect – to value and regard highly; to convey great worth (Rom. 12:10).

Security – confidence of harmony in relationships; free from harm (Rom. 12:16a).

Support – come alongside and gently help carry a load (Gal. 6:2).

---

[1] Intimate Encounters, 1997, Dr. David and Teresa Ferguson

I Thought the Children of Israel Were Weak....then I

The longer I live this new faith-life, where everything comes from God's hand....  No, let me try that again.

Everything I have ever needed and that is worth having has always come from God's loving hand to me not because I deserved it, but because He loves me - always has, always will.

This "new faith-life",  as I call it, is simply living in more direct dependence upon my Father than ever.  For the last several decades my personal and family needs have been supplied by my Father through the salaries He allowed me to receive from churches or schools where I was employed.  Now He has become my True Employer.  He called me out of a salaried position - with great benefits and a wonderful group with which to work at a ministry that is perhaps one of the most influential in the world today - to serve on His staff answering directly to Him (and our board).

Every day starts with a decision; namely, will I trust Him today or not?

I need you to know that my attitude of judgment toward the Children of Israel (remember the Jewish people God delivered from Egypt to the Promised Land) has now changed to one of understanding how easy it is to lose a grateful heart, trading it for one that "almost demands" God to meet needs.  When that supply doesn't come regularly and in abundance (by my definition) I can get pretty scared or rather disappointed in God and / or God's people.

Well, the truth is coming to light.  I am asking pastors, leaders, couples, and others to trust completely in our Father's faithful love and provision.  I am asking them to endure when their spouse doesn't love back,  as they'd anticipated.  I am telling them often and fervently that Jesus Christ is the Savior not only for hereafter but also for here.  I am now getting the chance to grow up into faith in a new way, and I love it and hate it all at the same time.  We are living in this new realm of even more faithfully "practicing what we preach". 

So, I apologize to the Children of Israel with whom I used to become so frustrated for their lack of faith and their waywardness.  I understand that placing faith in God daily is neither natural nor automatic.  His Word, His Holy Spirit, His Son Jesus, and His ability to love me even when I fail and drift are all drawing me along this path to appreciate God more as my Father (my Abba/Dad), to trust His loving care more often, to honestly admit it when I fear, and to remember I don't change people on my time-schedule; rather God changes people in His way and in His time.

I Am Loving This!

In the last month, we have been with college students discussing the way to deal with hindrances to loving relationships, have met with couples to investigate the value of real communication to a healthy marriage and to discuss marriage ministry options, have preached in a wonderful church in Austell and spent the evening service discussing vision for reaching a community via effective marriage ministry, and had the privilege of meeting for 4 days with a former pastor couple who see God's hope for their marriage and ministry. 

As I was told once upon a time, "If that won't start your fire, your wood's wet!"

All 5 participant couples are making progress....some slow and methodical, others have made some great jumps toward greater love in their homes and ministries.  Truly, we give the honor and praise to our Savior Jesus Christ. His love is the motivation and His Spirit provides the power.  We know that God's Word provides the truth that sets us free to love and be loved as we are designed. 

I give God praise and I thank you for caring about marriages (your own and others), about us, and about the kingdom of God.  May His "kingdom come" and His "will be done on earth as it is in heaven." 

We simply want to equip millions of people to be ready when Jesus returns and to be found watching from hearts that are pure and lifestyles that are loving.  I Timothy 1:5

Put Away the Umbrella

Sounds as if I am making reference to the lack of rain in our location and the bright sunshine we're experiencing, but I am actually referring to the "umbrella organization" (Helping Hands Ministries) that has provided the means for donors to give to TBI making sure the gifts were tax-exempt.  Well, after 9 months our application has been reviewed by all the necessary agents in the IRS and WE ARE NOW A TAX-EXEMPT NON-PROFIT CORPORATION!

Can you tell I am excited?

We will be weaning off Helping Hands in the next few weeks and making sure our website is secure and ready for those who want to donate online.  They will be able to do so easily and efficiently.  One good thing is that 8% of donations went to HH for administrative costs.  Now, we won't have to lose that portion.  That will help.

So, many have been praying and have been waiting for this day.  Thank you, Lord, for helping us to keep making progress.  Thank you, friends, for caring enough to read what is happening in our lives.

Intro to Joint Accomplishment and Mutual Giving

I would like for you to spend about 20 minutes checking out this introduction prior to your date/discussion time with your spouse using the LOVE (Speak) section of the Week 13 installment of our 52 Week Plan.

Would you look up some of these verses of Scripture and consider the following thoughts?

Joint Accomplishment – “I need you”; “Each of us is important, but how much more could we accomplish by working together?”

Amos 3:3
Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?

Ephesians 4:16
He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.

Enemy of Joint Accomplishment is self-reliance, which says “I don’t need you.”

Mutual Giving – “I love you”; “Even if you stop giving to me, I will do my best to continue loving you unconditionally”; “When both of us are loving the other selflessly, our love will grow stronger and more beautiful as years go by.”

John 13:1
It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.

Ephesians 5:21

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

 WARNING:  Your human love is not enough to accomplish the goal Jesus described for us in giving and receiving love.  He came to give us an “abundant life”.  His love for you (John 17:23, John 3:16), accepted by you (John 1:12), is to be revealed through you (Galatians 5:22, John 13:34,35).  You are not alone or powerless.   You are loved and gifted and a unique creation of God.  (Ephesians 2:8-10)

Check this out:  Paul wrote – 1 Timothy 1:5: The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith.

Enemy of Mutual Giving is Selfishness – “You must meet my desires and needs as I dictate.”

Mutual Giving is God’s goal for every marriage.  He wants us to love our spouse without conditions especially when the other is not meeting our needs well.  Perhaps giving him/her the benefit of the doubt or choosing to trust God to meet our needs during the time our spouse is not would be a great way to practice running to our loving God in faith as Jesus told us in Matthew 11:28-30 and as Peter stated in I Peter 5:7.

In Luke 6:35, Jesus said, “But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.”

I know your spouse is not your enemy, but the gist of the verse is to love those who don’t love you, and if Jesus commanded us to love our enemies and to love others as He loves us (John 13:34-35), then He must be telling us to love our spouse even when he/she is acting like an enemy or not loving us well. 

What are we communicating to our children and other on-lookers, when our “love train” gets derailed by small obstacles?  What if it takes us days or weeks to get back to loving again?  This is way too common and communicates selfishness, insecurity, unresolved pain, and self-reliance rather than the pure, powerful love of Jesus. 

My prayer and hope for you and your spouse is that your “love train” stays on track.  God designed families to produce a “godly seed” as revealed in Malachi 2:15: 

 Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth.

My firm belief is that the more our marriage reflects the love of God…really, the greater chances our children have of holding out for the real love relationships God offers. Then our children, and others observing our marriage, will not fall for the cheap “knock-offs” this world and the enemy so often put in our shopping cart … really.

Communication 101

Communication 101 Key:

Communication is a Two-Way Street – James 1:19; Proverbs 15:1

“Communication is a drive in the country where I am a passenger more often than the driver.  I can observe and appreciate the scenery more when I don’t have to be in control.”
             
“To listen well to others well and attempt to understand them builds great potential for joy in that relationship and meets deep relational needs.”
Do you communicate respect or self-centeredness in communication?

Great conversations are similar to the dynamics of volleying in ping pong/table tennis.  Serve the ball (question) for a return (answer) not to score a point(win the argument or dominate).  Keep the ball in play, and in conversations attempt to move from speaker to listener often.

ACTIVE Listening

This acrostic may help you remember the ingredients.

Listen:
A – Attend, pay attention
C – Connect, body language, eye contact
T – Thoroughly listen, let others finish, be quiet and hear what is said
Respond:
I –  Insert questions and comments as appropriate, “Would you clarify?”
V – Verbalize understanding and identification without trying to “outdo”
E – Exit graciously:  pray, set next time, perhaps set limits up front by setting a time frame for the discussion so you don’t take too much time or give so much that other priorities suffer.  *

*Exit Graciously illustrated - (for example, “I have about 10 minutes before I have to be at my next appointment.”, “Perhaps we should wait until another time because I have only 15 minutes to talk.”, “Would you pray with me about this?”, When can we set a time to discuss this further?”, etc.)

What is communicated when we don’t listen well or don’t respond appropriately?  

• You are not important
• You are not a priority
• I don’t really like you that much
• Your opinion does not matter

    We might not want to communicate these feelings, but poor communication skills cause both parties to have to work harder to understand the truth / real meaning or intent.

Communication STOPPERS: replies that don’t help

• “Martyrs” reply - “You think that was bad, wait until you hear mine.”
• “Criticism” reply - “What’s wrong with you now?”
• “Ignore or change subject” reply - “Did you see those Braves yesterday?”, “I have to go get something.”, “Oh, look at the time.”
• “Minimize” reply - “It can’t be all that bad.”
• “Advice, logic, or reason” reply - “What you should have done was”
• “Sarcasm or humor” reply - “I am so sure that really happened!”
• “Pep talk” reply -“You are better than they are so just don’t worry.”

Notes – by way of explanation
1.  Ephesians 4:15 says we are to speak the “truth in love”.  When a person comes to us with expressed emotion – excitement, sadness, joy, or disappointment – our initial response sets the tone for the conversation.  The Communication Stoppers above are effective at killing communication or keeping it from getting real or deep.  A proper response initially to “rejoice with those who rejoice” or “mourn with those who mourn” works wonders if you want more from a conversation than grunts and one-word answers to your questions.  See suggestions below. (Romans 12:15

2.  Serve the Ball:  Asking questions such as, “Would you tell me something about your day that made you feel successful?” might evoke deeper response than “How was your day?”

1. Return the Volley:  Responding well is another key to conversation

• Responding to “Honey, I had the worst day today and didn’t sell a thing.” – might sound like, “I am so sorry you had such a discouraging day.  My heart hurts to see you so sad.”
• Responding to “Honey, I got the best complement today from a client.  He said I was the best he’d ever seen at doing my job.”  - might sound like, “That is so great.  You are very skilled at what you do, and I am so proud of you.”  

Conclusion:  The ACTIVE Listening skills listed above may sound like a foreign language, but they are key components in the language of the heart.  This language of the heart is of great value when the communication of love and care is the goal.