Down but not Out

Man, today - right before my birthday - has been one of several challenges mostly from the financial side.  Oversights, computer/email errors, and just the droning on of the costs of living have been weighing on me this whole day after one of the best mornings with the Lord I have had in a while....

What does that say?  I know this is a test of resilience and faith, but I don't have to like it, right?  People have been so kind to give, and we've seen God doing great works of healing and encouragement in marriages and families, even churches, but I don't like how it feels not to be able to jump up and go, take my family where I want to - when I want, especially on my birthday weekend.

I guess I am having a bit of a pity party ,when the truth is I have nothing to fear or worry about .... in any arena of life.  God is gracious to let me vent, put up with me and even love me in spite of my self-pity.  I have been helped by simply writing this down and hearing myself think out loud and write / read my thoughts.  I am going to go and have fun with my family....inexpensive, together, hang out, be around each other, enjoy a few friends who are coming over, and eat birthday cake.  :)

Deep Comfort - Two Big Questions...and answers.

Deep Comfort for Emotional Pain (Hurt and Guilt)

       As a child, I wasn’t much for dark places.  Whether it was from living not too far from a cemetery, watching too many scary late-night movies, or freaking out when my older brothers jumped out from dark corners to see if they could watch a little brother die from heart failure, I am not sure; but for whatever reason, dark and I didn’t get along for years.

       You know how that works, right?  So why was I not frightened or not “as frightened” when someone was alongside me during any of these episodes?  Don’t you think that being alone during those scary moments makes the fear worse?  Many of us have had to walk through a “questionable” section of town alone, been lost on a lonely road after dark, or even been with someone we didn’t trust when they had way too much power over us for our comfort.  We have all been afraid of something or someone at sometime.

       Jesus’ disciples were given a “heads-up”.  He told them He was soon to be handed over to His enemies, crucified on a Roman cross, and that He would die.  It seems that even though He told them He would come alive again after 3 days, His followers didn’t hear that or comprehend it, because none of them showed up at His grave on the third day to watch Him resurrect.  Oh, there were some ladies who came to finish the rushed job Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimithea did when they wrapped Jesus’ body for burial after His crucifuxion; but those dear ladies didn’t come to watch Him rise from the dead.

       Read what the disciples felt when Jesus left them alone as He gave Himself up to be crucified.  He had been with them and now He was leaving them alone for a while.  They felt His absence deeply.

Jesus Predicts His Death

Matthew 16:21-23 (NLT)

21 From then on Jesus* began to tell his disciples plainly that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, and that he would suffer many terrible things at the hands of the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but on the third day he would be raised from the dead.

22 But Peter took him aside and began to reprimand him* for saying such things. “Heaven forbid, Lord,” he said. “This will never happen to you!”

23 Jesus turned to Peter and said, “Get away from me, Satan! You are a dangerous trap to me. You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God’s.”

Matthew 17:22, 23 (NLT)

22 After they gathered again in Galilee, Jesus told them, “The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of his enemies. 

23 He will be killed, but on the third day he will be raised from the dead.” And the disciples were filled with grief.

       When Jesus told the disciples the first time in Mark 9:30-32 the disciples didn’t understand but were afraid to ask Jesus what He meant.  Surely Jesus didn’t mean to say He was going to be crucified.  How could that be? Things were starting to go so well for Jesus and His disciples. 

       In the second recorded disclosure to the disciples that Jesus was going to be crucified, they were “filled with grief”.  For approximately 3 years Jesus had been with His disciples, teaching, encouraging, training, loving, and leading them.  Now or soon, they were going to lose Him to a horrible death…death by crucifixion. 

       The attitude and actions of very powerful people in the Sanhedrin, the ruling council of Jewish leaders, were progressively getting more and more hostile as they plotted and planned to get rid of Jesus.   First they tried to trick Him into saying something that would cause the people to turn away from Jesus to them.  That plan failed.  Since they couldn’t turn popular opinion back to being favorable to them over Jesus, they devised a way to kill Him.

       The disciples, as followers of Jesus, must have felt the heat from the rage and anger burning against Jesus, all He stood for, and those who associated with Him.  Now with Jesus prophesying His own death at the hands of the religious leaders AND the Romans, the disciples would have no one to defend them, to protect them….they would be alone against terrible odds.

       Being alone brings us into a more vulnerable state of mind, doesn’t it?  When we consider how God Himself said that it is “not good that the man should be alone” and then provided a “helper” or “companion”, the case for the “not good” of being alone gets stronger.  Being alone or disconnected or unloved or losing someone special or having to face life with no one close to you is truly “not good”.  In Genesis 2:18 the context involves the first man and woman being brought together to become “one” as God designed, and there God plainly said that “it is not good for the man to be alone”.

       Starting at Genesis 2:18 and examining scripture from cover to cover, we discover that marriage is not the only relationship God intended for us to enjoy.  He designed us to show His love to others by connecting with them regarding their physical needs.  We do this when we help, feed, cloth, protect, support, or otherwise meet physical needs and wants of another person.  (Dimension #1 – Physical Bridge of Relationships)

       Since there are needs in other dimensions, connection can be achieved and love shown as friends, when needs of the heart are met.  Dimension #2 – Friendship Bridge of Relationships can be crossed and the lives connected when people encourage, respect, listen, seek to understand, pay attention, appreciate, and accept others unconditionally. 

       Likewise, we have spiritual needs for a relationship with God and others that involves worship, prayer, Bible study, help with understanding and applying scriptural truth, serving in a ministry or on mission with another.  In these ways another bridge is crossed to connect 2 lives in Dimension #3 – Fellowship Bridge of Relationships.

       Can you see that these bridges can be crossed and connection made between 2 lives whether they are married, acquaintances, relatives, co-workers, or long-time buddies.  God built us for connection not “aloneness”. 

       However, many of us are not skilled at connecting and seem to feel alone more than we do loved or valued in our relationships. 

Big Questions 1 and 2:

1.  What do we do about the times when we feel disconnected because we have been hurt or left alone by someone who loved us but now they don’t, or is gone and can’t give us love, or just never loved us as we’d hoped they would?

2.  What do we do when we hurt others and feel guilt or alone and cut off by our own actions; and no matter how hard we try, we can’t reconnect to the one we have hurt or to God?

I have really good news regardless of the cause of our aloneness and pain.  God offers meaningful solutions not shallow suggestions.

Big Question #1:  Let’s look at the case where we are hurt, alone, and feel disconnected from someone who could love us or should have loved us.  This person may truly love us but not know how to show love in a way that helps us know it, feel it, believe it.  The person in question may be from our past or participating in our lives currently.

Understand the truth about those who fit this description:

o      They truly may not know how to communicate love.

o      The hurt they caused needs to be healed and can be.

o      We don’t have to do this work alone.  God is able to do it.                       See I Thessalonians 5:23, 24

Please take the time to experience these truths to help you connect to your Father in heaven. He truly loves you and always has:

·      God loves you very much.  John 17:23, John 3:16

·      You can mourn your hurt to Him or to a caring friend.  Matthew 5:4; 2 Corinthians 1:3,4

·      His comfort is real and He offers to enter your pain with you to let you know you are not alone.  I Peter 5:7, Matthew 11:28-30

His truth will set you free from the debilitating pain of feeling alone then guide you to connect with Him and with others.

The next section - Experience this Truth - is for you to work through at your own pace and in your own time.

Experience this Truth:  Matthew 5:4-Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.

·      Know it in your mind – Fact:  Read this passage several times and ask God for understanding; list those who caused your hurt (Use the Top Ten Needs list to help understand where your hurt originates.  The list appears at the bottom of this post.)

·      Know it in your emotions- Understand:  As you think about this truth, express your hurt and emotions to your Heavenly Father and others whom you trust

·      Know the truth in your will – Wisdom:  Make wise choices to continue to express your hurt before God and meaningful others and welcome His loving presence.  You are not alone after all.  You will probably have to let these truths process in your heart and mind again.

·      Know the truth experientially as you tear up the list of those who hurt you, express forgiveness, let them go, and remember that years of hurt may take some time to expose and even more time to deal with the roots of hurt  that have grown in your life.  But those roots can be pulled and freedom can be yours as Jesus Christ removes you from the prison of your pain.

       A good friend of mine told me her story:  “As a 5 year old, my mother cruelly abused me to the point that each night I would go to bed and simply talk to Jesus as I cried myself to sleep.  Jesus was my only and best friend.”

You know those times, don’t you?  There have been times when no one had to convince you through argument or examination of evidence that God is real.  You KNEW it.  There have been and still are those moments and days when the love of God and His comforting presence are more real than life itself.  In fact, Paul wrote that the “things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are not seen are eternal”

 2 Corinthians 4:18

Big Question #2:

Now let’s talk about the aloneness and pain we feel when we have hurt others, sinned against God, or clumsily damaged relationships by our poor choices and improper responses.

2.  “What do we do when we hurt others and feel guilt or alone and cut off by our own actions; and no matter how hard we try, we can’t reconnect to the one we have hurt?”

Experience I John 1:9:  “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

·      Know it in your mind – Fact:  Read this passage several times and ask God for insight into His Word; list those you have hurt / relationships you have damaged. (Use the Top Ten Needs list to help understand where your guilt originates.  The list appears at the bottom of this post.)

·      Know it in your emotions- Understand:  As you think about this truth, ask God how He feels about what you did and also how He feels about you – then and now.  Ask God to help you experience godly sorrow over what you have done – not crippling guilt but godly sorrow.

·      Know the truth in your will – Wisdom:  Make wise choices to express your guilt before God and, as appropriate, meaningful others and welcome His loving presence.  You are not alone after all.  Receive His forgiveness based on His promise in 1 John 1:9 and 2 Corinthians 7:10.

·      Know the truth experientially as you tear up the list of those you have hurt, express gratitude for God’s forgiveness, and determine to follow up with each person as God directs.  It may be that He will lead you to make right a wrong you have done by asking for forgiveness from them, repaying them for a loss you caused, or otherwise making sure the past offenses have been addressed. 

·      The roots of guilt may take a while to remove if they’ve been with you a long time or if your heart has ignored them and grown numb.  But those roots can be pulled and freedom can be yours as Jesus Christ removes you from the prison of your guilt.

In conclusion:

1.  You and I have been hurt and some of us still live in the prison of our pain.  Someone else has more control over your emotions and thoughts than you do, than God does, than those who truly love you do, and it is this prison of pain that keeps you from knowing how loved you are and from being the loving person you desire to be.  Jesus Christ lives inside you as a believer; but He doesn’t have all of you if you still live in the prison of past pain in your heart.  Grieve it, mourn it, release it to Him, accept His comforting presence…you are not alone and it is about time you felt the truth experientially.

2.  You and I hurt people and feel the guilt or numbness in our soul that comes from the knowledge that we have actually damaged others lives.  Isn’t it about time you took the key of mourning and allowed God to break into that prison so you can feel the true pain of what you have done, confess it before God and perhaps to others, receive the forgiveness God promised to you and offers you through faith in Jesus Christ, then reveal your freedom by blessing/helping in meaningful ways (to them) those you formerly hurt?

So, now what?  What will you do?  You are not alone.  Enjoy both your relationship to God that Christ died to purchase for you as well as your relationships with many others God designed you to love.  Get out of the prisons of painful aloneness and guilt so you can enjoy the freedom Jesus offers.

Top Ten Relational Needs (Heart Needs, Soul Needs) [1]:

Acceptance - deliberate and ready reception with a favorable positive response, even after failure (Rom. 15:7).

Affection – to communicate care and closeness through physical touch and words (Rom. 16:16).

Appreciation – to communicate with words and feelings a personal gratefulness for another (I Cor. 11:2).

Approval – expressed commendation; to think and speak well of (Rom. 14:18).

Attention – to take thought of another and convey appropriate interest and support; to enter into another’s “world” (I Cor. 12:25).

Comfort (empathy) – to come alongside with word, feeling and touch; to give consolation with tenderness (Rom. 12:15).

Encouragement – to urge forward and positively persuade toward a goal (I Thes. 5:11, Heb. 10:24).

Respect – to value and regard highly; to convey great worth (Rom. 12:10).

Security – confidence of harmony in relationships; free from harm (Rom. 12:16a).

Support – come alongside and gently help carry a load (Gal. 6:2).

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[1] Intimate Encounters, 1997, Dr. David and Teresa Ferguson

A Free Haircut and Big Cup of Coffee

Since our return from Honduras, Carol and I have reached a new conclusion.  We had been living on our credit cards and trusting God's supply to provide what we needed so that at the end of each month the card was paid off.  (He has been providing every month so that all bills are current. )  We'd start again the next month, whether the money to cover the charges was in the bank or "going to be in the bank".  I could tell that this method was causing Carol more anguish, so we discussed options.  Her take was that we could make sure that the balance in the checking account always stayed positive and not spend ahead based on what was coming in but on what was already provided.

The more I thought it through and considered the scriptures, I realized she was right. This plan feels very "right" to us and is helping us trust daily in God's provision.  So starting about a week ago we don't spend unless we know the money is in the checking account to cover - even if it is a credit card charge that won't be due for weeks.  Since that time God has been showing us His personal care and deep love for us in some new ways.

One of those ways came a day or so after making the decision described above.  After getting my haircut and knowing we had funds to cover the cost, I discovered that my haircut was free.  Now that may not seem like much but ... we had $46 in the account and the bill would have been about $20.  As I heard Jen tell me the service was free, I remembered our new strategy, smiled really big inside and probably outside too, and walked out thanking God for caring about the little things in my life as well as the big ones. 

A few days later at a meeting with a friend, that I got to know after I had taught Basic Training to a group of pre-marital mentors in North Georgia, he "hired me" to train his family in the Basic principles.  He saw in that training several keys he wanted his family to get.  So I went for coffee with a friend and came away with another way to teach these truths.  He sent a check to our umbrella group, Helping Hands Ministries, and donated a generous amount to help our ministry.  I didn't expect either of these blessings, but once again my Father in heaven had a plan to do "exceeding, abundantly above everything" I had imagined. 

Praise Him for being my loving, perfect Father and for keeping His promise to "never leave me or forsake me".  Thank you for taking time to read this blog post.