I Am Loving This!

In the last month, we have been with college students discussing the way to deal with hindrances to loving relationships, have met with couples to investigate the value of real communication to a healthy marriage and to discuss marriage ministry options, have preached in a wonderful church in Austell and spent the evening service discussing vision for reaching a community via effective marriage ministry, and had the privilege of meeting for 4 days with a former pastor couple who see God's hope for their marriage and ministry. 

As I was told once upon a time, "If that won't start your fire, your wood's wet!"

All 5 participant couples are making progress....some slow and methodical, others have made some great jumps toward greater love in their homes and ministries.  Truly, we give the honor and praise to our Savior Jesus Christ. His love is the motivation and His Spirit provides the power.  We know that God's Word provides the truth that sets us free to love and be loved as we are designed. 

I give God praise and I thank you for caring about marriages (your own and others), about us, and about the kingdom of God.  May His "kingdom come" and His "will be done on earth as it is in heaven." 

We simply want to equip millions of people to be ready when Jesus returns and to be found watching from hearts that are pure and lifestyles that are loving.  I Timothy 1:5

Put Away the Umbrella

Sounds as if I am making reference to the lack of rain in our location and the bright sunshine we're experiencing, but I am actually referring to the "umbrella organization" (Helping Hands Ministries) that has provided the means for donors to give to TBI making sure the gifts were tax-exempt.  Well, after 9 months our application has been reviewed by all the necessary agents in the IRS and WE ARE NOW A TAX-EXEMPT NON-PROFIT CORPORATION!

Can you tell I am excited?

We will be weaning off Helping Hands in the next few weeks and making sure our website is secure and ready for those who want to donate online.  They will be able to do so easily and efficiently.  One good thing is that 8% of donations went to HH for administrative costs.  Now, we won't have to lose that portion.  That will help.

So, many have been praying and have been waiting for this day.  Thank you, Lord, for helping us to keep making progress.  Thank you, friends, for caring enough to read what is happening in our lives.

Intro to Joint Accomplishment and Mutual Giving

I would like for you to spend about 20 minutes checking out this introduction prior to your date/discussion time with your spouse using the LOVE (Speak) section of the Week 13 installment of our 52 Week Plan.

Would you look up some of these verses of Scripture and consider the following thoughts?

Joint Accomplishment – “I need you”; “Each of us is important, but how much more could we accomplish by working together?”

Amos 3:3
Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?

Ephesians 4:16
He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.

Enemy of Joint Accomplishment is self-reliance, which says “I don’t need you.”

Mutual Giving – “I love you”; “Even if you stop giving to me, I will do my best to continue loving you unconditionally”; “When both of us are loving the other selflessly, our love will grow stronger and more beautiful as years go by.”

John 13:1
It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.

Ephesians 5:21

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

 WARNING:  Your human love is not enough to accomplish the goal Jesus described for us in giving and receiving love.  He came to give us an “abundant life”.  His love for you (John 17:23, John 3:16), accepted by you (John 1:12), is to be revealed through you (Galatians 5:22, John 13:34,35).  You are not alone or powerless.   You are loved and gifted and a unique creation of God.  (Ephesians 2:8-10)

Check this out:  Paul wrote – 1 Timothy 1:5: The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith.

Enemy of Mutual Giving is Selfishness – “You must meet my desires and needs as I dictate.”

Mutual Giving is God’s goal for every marriage.  He wants us to love our spouse without conditions especially when the other is not meeting our needs well.  Perhaps giving him/her the benefit of the doubt or choosing to trust God to meet our needs during the time our spouse is not would be a great way to practice running to our loving God in faith as Jesus told us in Matthew 11:28-30 and as Peter stated in I Peter 5:7.

In Luke 6:35, Jesus said, “But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.”

I know your spouse is not your enemy, but the gist of the verse is to love those who don’t love you, and if Jesus commanded us to love our enemies and to love others as He loves us (John 13:34-35), then He must be telling us to love our spouse even when he/she is acting like an enemy or not loving us well. 

What are we communicating to our children and other on-lookers, when our “love train” gets derailed by small obstacles?  What if it takes us days or weeks to get back to loving again?  This is way too common and communicates selfishness, insecurity, unresolved pain, and self-reliance rather than the pure, powerful love of Jesus. 

My prayer and hope for you and your spouse is that your “love train” stays on track.  God designed families to produce a “godly seed” as revealed in Malachi 2:15: 

 Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth.

My firm belief is that the more our marriage reflects the love of God…really, the greater chances our children have of holding out for the real love relationships God offers. Then our children, and others observing our marriage, will not fall for the cheap “knock-offs” this world and the enemy so often put in our shopping cart … really.

Communication 101

Communication 101 Key:

Communication is a Two-Way Street – James 1:19; Proverbs 15:1

“Communication is a drive in the country where I am a passenger more often than the driver.  I can observe and appreciate the scenery more when I don’t have to be in control.”
             
“To listen well to others well and attempt to understand them builds great potential for joy in that relationship and meets deep relational needs.”
Do you communicate respect or self-centeredness in communication?

Great conversations are similar to the dynamics of volleying in ping pong/table tennis.  Serve the ball (question) for a return (answer) not to score a point(win the argument or dominate).  Keep the ball in play, and in conversations attempt to move from speaker to listener often.

ACTIVE Listening

This acrostic may help you remember the ingredients.

Listen:
A – Attend, pay attention
C – Connect, body language, eye contact
T – Thoroughly listen, let others finish, be quiet and hear what is said
Respond:
I –  Insert questions and comments as appropriate, “Would you clarify?”
V – Verbalize understanding and identification without trying to “outdo”
E – Exit graciously:  pray, set next time, perhaps set limits up front by setting a time frame for the discussion so you don’t take too much time or give so much that other priorities suffer.  *

*Exit Graciously illustrated - (for example, “I have about 10 minutes before I have to be at my next appointment.”, “Perhaps we should wait until another time because I have only 15 minutes to talk.”, “Would you pray with me about this?”, When can we set a time to discuss this further?”, etc.)

What is communicated when we don’t listen well or don’t respond appropriately?  

• You are not important
• You are not a priority
• I don’t really like you that much
• Your opinion does not matter

    We might not want to communicate these feelings, but poor communication skills cause both parties to have to work harder to understand the truth / real meaning or intent.

Communication STOPPERS: replies that don’t help

• “Martyrs” reply - “You think that was bad, wait until you hear mine.”
• “Criticism” reply - “What’s wrong with you now?”
• “Ignore or change subject” reply - “Did you see those Braves yesterday?”, “I have to go get something.”, “Oh, look at the time.”
• “Minimize” reply - “It can’t be all that bad.”
• “Advice, logic, or reason” reply - “What you should have done was”
• “Sarcasm or humor” reply - “I am so sure that really happened!”
• “Pep talk” reply -“You are better than they are so just don’t worry.”

Notes – by way of explanation
1.  Ephesians 4:15 says we are to speak the “truth in love”.  When a person comes to us with expressed emotion – excitement, sadness, joy, or disappointment – our initial response sets the tone for the conversation.  The Communication Stoppers above are effective at killing communication or keeping it from getting real or deep.  A proper response initially to “rejoice with those who rejoice” or “mourn with those who mourn” works wonders if you want more from a conversation than grunts and one-word answers to your questions.  See suggestions below. (Romans 12:15

2.  Serve the Ball:  Asking questions such as, “Would you tell me something about your day that made you feel successful?” might evoke deeper response than “How was your day?”

1. Return the Volley:  Responding well is another key to conversation

• Responding to “Honey, I had the worst day today and didn’t sell a thing.” – might sound like, “I am so sorry you had such a discouraging day.  My heart hurts to see you so sad.”
• Responding to “Honey, I got the best complement today from a client.  He said I was the best he’d ever seen at doing my job.”  - might sound like, “That is so great.  You are very skilled at what you do, and I am so proud of you.”  

Conclusion:  The ACTIVE Listening skills listed above may sound like a foreign language, but they are key components in the language of the heart.  This language of the heart is of great value when the communication of love and care is the goal.

Sorta' Like Pullin' Weeds

Rain on the Soil Loosens the Roots of the Weeds

Background Information:

Mourning allows the unresolved hurt and guilt harbored in your heart to break free from the hard soil that holds them - roots and all.  Receiving God's comfort allows us to experience God's love so deeply that we know we are not alone and trust Him to set us free from the failure and pain of the past. He removes the pain and guilt - roots and all.

Sorta' like pulling weeds.

Since I have moved to Georgia, I have experienced the difficulty of removing weeds from my lawn.  That is, I had difficulty until I figured out that the soil is much more willing to release the roots of the weeds after a rain or irrigation.  When we mourn our hurt, the sadness and tears moisten the soil of our heart and allow the roots of our pain to be more easily removed. When the comfort of God comes to bring us release, He effectively removes the root and stem of the pain and begins the healing process.  Leave the root and the week grows back.

          But there is a caution that must be mentioned.  Each of us attempts to find “comfort” for the hurt we experience or cause.  We attempt to distract ourselves, numb the pain or guilt, accuse others, excuse ourselves, and the list of possibilities that fit these categories as “comforters” actually represents a list of “false gods”.  Have you noticed that those who turn to “false gods” for comfort or to have their needs met usually invite other people to join them, especially if the “false god” actually provides some temporary relief or distraction? Sin may satisfy us for a while, but the resulting addiction to the sin means that the sin that “I have” now “has me”.

         Some turn to sexual sin to attempt to meet the need for affection or respect.  Some turn to money, position, or busy-ness to attempt to manipulate others to meet the needs of respect, acceptance, appreciation, etc.  Others gossip or exaggerate in order to have an exciting story so others will give them attention. These false gods, usually discovered through the practice of our coping mechanisms, leave us fearful as we run out of choices, insecure since none of them actually satisfy the deepest needs, and anxious because we are still “alone” and may feel very “unloved” though we’ve tried “everything”.  No wonder Jesus said that we should mourn.  We need to mourn.

          Self-reliance drives some to handle their own pain or guilt by devising a coping mechanism to either deny the need exists, meet their own needs, or insulate themselves from future hurt.  Selfishness drives others to wallow in their pain and neediness in attempts to take resources from others so their own needs will be met and pain diminished, ... that is if their plan works.  It doesn’t work for long if it works at all.  Still others convince themselves that they don’t deserve to have their needs met because they are too “bad”.  This self-condemnation is a veiled admission that, at least in their opinion, God is not powerful enough or His love strong enough to do anything about their needs or their pain.

          If you carry no hurt or guilt, perhaps this process will assist you in leading others to freedom from unnecessary pain and to be able to “lay aside the weight and sin” that entangles and to “run with patience” the race set before them.  

          Hebrews 12:1-2 relates that we are to fix our eyes on Jesus.  In order to do that, we must take our eyes off our own guilt and hurt or off those people or things we are “worshipping” in hopes they will relieve our pain and meet our needs. Those people and things are not gods, and it is unfair and unwise of us to require that they meet our needs and heal our pain since they cannot and will not.

          On whom should our expectations/hopes be placed for our needs to be met? GOD, Himself, promises to meet our needs in His way and His time. (Acts 17:25; Matthew 6: 8; Philippians 4:19)  He certainly does place others in our lives with whom we share loving relationships and consequently meets some of our needs, as we meet theirs….spouse, children, parents, friends, co-workers, etc. 

          In whatever way God chooses to meet our needs, directly in our relationship with Him or indirectly via others, we will not always get what we need at the time we need it.  All of us human beings are both fallen (with a sin nature) and alone (100% needy of God’s love and provision 100% of the time).  We are selfish at times and hurt others by neglecting to adequately meet their true needs choosing to prioritize our own self-interest. Even with the best intent as parents or friends, we sometimes fail to show Christ’s love, leaving others alone, hurt, sad, or disappointed.  In a similar way others hurt us, intentionally or not, and leave us desiring comfort, love, encouragement, friendship, and true community.

          Though we can’t meet the needs of others perfectly and shouldn’t be expected to do so, we certainly can grow to love others more as Christ loves us, take responsibility for the hurt we cause others, and keep the relationships open.  Likewise we can learn to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) so that we can address the hurt we carry in a way that heals wounds and creates an environment for closeness.

Victims or Victimizers?

We are potentially both victims and victimizers in relationships:

Victimizers = we have hurt others and sinned against God:

·       Unless we mourn our sin and guilt to the depth of their roots in our soul, we may not realize the impact our sin has on God and those whom our sins and wrong choices have hurt.  We may continue to do the same hurtful things again and again.  True repentance is the antidote.  (1 John 1:9, 2 Corinthians 7:10) 

Victims = we have been hurt by others either intentionally or unintentionally.

·       Unless we mourn our hurt to the depth of the pain caused us by others, we may not be able to free ourselves from the grip that person or their offense has on us.

The idea is for us to love and be loved in relationships and to know how to heal when we aren’t either loving toward others or being loved well by others!

When we do hurtful things to others by deliberate choice or impulsive reaction, we leave them hurt and alone and find ourselves guilty.  Our guilt may come to us due to conviction of sins we have committed. Suppose no one teaches or shows us how to properly heal these feelings of hurt and guilt, what then?  Are we to simply cope with these poisons of the heart?

Since we have to “live with ourselves”, we are likely to try to relieve the pain of hurt and guilt.  Our choices include but are not limited to the following:

• Get busy to avoid the pain
• Take something to numb or medicate the pain
• Surround ourselves with people and things to attempt to replace the pain
• Convince ourselves that the pain isn’t real and deny the pain
• Manipulate the pain and use it for attention and sympathy

 

Have you ever seen a track and field competition?  What do the runners wear when they are ready for the competition?  Aren’t they wearing only as much clothing as they have to wear? And what they do wear is very light.  What would you think if you saw a runner with chains and weights attached to his feet as he prepares for the gun to fire and start the race?  Why would any runner who wants to win the race wear chains?  He will probably not win the race and may not even have the strength to finish well or at all.

The weight of our emotional pain burdens our life and exhausts us at times, doesn’t it?  If an athlete could remove those chains, he certainly should.  So should we remove the chains on our hearts.  Our attempts to “avoid the pain”, “numb the pain”, “replace the pain”, “deny the pain” or “use the pain” may lead us to some very unproductive methods for relief.

Have you noticed what people do to relieve their hurt?  Are these methods ever successful?

Suppose a person lives his life chasing the false gods (discussed above) that are not gods at all.  Don’t you think fear and insecurity would be natural results of the emptiness of chasing after gods that really can’t help?

On the heels of the fear, anxiety, and insecurity may come a sense of worthlessness or condemnation.  Life isn’t working as it should, and we may feel undeserving of anything good.  Perhaps we have been so wrong, so bad, and feel so inferior that we are convinced we don’t deserve to know the answer to our pain.  This is a place where some stop trying to find answers.  Not only do we sometimes turn the condemnation inwards upon ourselves, but also we may become very judgmental and condemning of others.  If we can make others look inferior, then we get some temporary satisfaction.

As we feel superior or better than others, we convince ourselves that we have some value.  This method doesn’t relieve the hurt or guilt or fear or insecurity because even the “little god of self” is no god. 

At this point, reached sooner or later by all who chase life’s illusive “little gods” for comfort, our weary traveler may become angry and bitter.  The anger and bitterness may turn inward or outward based upon the personality or circumstance.  If inward, the person becomes more deeply depressed, negative, impatient, and reclusive.  If outward, then rebellion, rage, or abuse may characterize the behavior.

In either case, this accumulation of poison in the soul/heart (weight and sin) or the building of prisons in the heart will result in a loss of the ability to feel healthy emotions, an increase in outbursts of anger or deeper valleys of depression, attempts to control others, physical side-effects, or various methods of escape to avoid the pain.  These behaviors, in turn, increase the probability of producing even more hurt and guilt; consequently, we violate the greatest commandment as we fail to love God, others, and self.

In stark contrast to the downward spiral of the life summarized in the above paragraph, Jesus Christ offers this hope: though “the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”  (John 10:10)  Jesus Christ offers real hope in the middle of this pain-filled world.  In the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5,6,7) He begins by giving 8 principles all of which begin with the word “Blessed”.  The Greek word actually means “happy, to be envied”.  Each one of these truths provides a key to unlock the chains of our pain and to set us free from prison.  Most people are not naïve enough to think that we can live this life “pain-free”, but believe that God is very interested in our living life free from unnecessary “weight and sin”. (Hebrews 12:1,2) He makes it clear that “abundance” comes from Jesus Christ and that our enemy’s design is to “steal, kill, and destroy”.  (John 10:10)  The presence of unresolved “weight and sin” might very well be our enemy’s greatest asset to lure us into his “steal, kill, and destroy” traps.

I have seen too many lives and relationships destroyed by a failure to effectively deal with “weight and sin”, and I believe life does not have to be lived in such a manner. Remember, you have been invited to “Cast all of your cares on Him, because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)  Christ’s love for us took Him to the cross to remove our guilt and He offers an intimate relationship with Himself and the comfort of His Spirit to heal the pain of this life.  As we lay aside “the weight and the sin” we will “run with patience the race set before us”. (Hebrews 12:1,2)

Do you notice that Jesus carries neither the residual pain of the hurt He felt or any guilt….no weight or sin?  Of course He had no guilt at all for He was perfectly sinless?  Jesus does know the pain of being rejected, acquainted with sorrow, and despised.  Our Savior dealt with His pain privately with His Father and publicly with His disciples.  He shared some of His pain with them:  disappointment, frustration, discouragement, and loneliness.  Jesus' heart remained tender to the needs of others and kept perspective on those who did the damage to Him and to others by dealing wisely with the pain He carried.  Although He had no sin therefore no guilt, He became sin for us at the cross and truly understands our pain.  

I don't know for sure all the things Jesus felt while living on earth, but even a brief review of Christ's life and interactions reveals tears, struggle, rejection, loss, sorrow, anger, and times of questioning His Father.  Jesus' wonderful heart stayed wonderfully pure.  Our heart, now His home, can also be purified and see God in a more accurate light and love Him even more.

So let’s join those who live the abundant life Christ offers by being set free to love!

WE ARE BLESSED WHEN WE DO

Blessed (happy, to be envied)  Read Matthew 5:4 - 

  -   "God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted."    (New Living Translation)

            When we know we are not alone in our hurt and that someone really cares, what happiness we feel!  Truly, we are in an enviable position when God comforts us by replacing guilt with gratitude and hurt with healing.  (I Peter 5:7, Psalm 23:4, Psalm 71:21, Psalm 119:50)

• Spiritually we are blessed because we now see God in greater light as the God of love He is!  For some, this may actually be the beginning of new life in Christ!
• Emotionally we are blessed because our hearts are free from unresolved hurt and guilt.  We are more aware of the needs of others.  We care more as Jesus does.
• You now have your guilt removed, pain replaced by God’s comfort, and see that God cares about your needs.  1 Peter 5:7
• We have actually experienced truth and found freedom to love and be loved.
• We have fulfilled a direct order from God:  Hebrews 12:1-2 (Weight and Sin)

   

For More Information and Study

          "The Deep Comfort - Two Big Questions ... and Answers"  may offer some more help toward a pure heart.  See the previous post and complete the assignment to see if you can discover what you carry and how to eliminate its influence in your life and relationships. 

          I would love to hear from you with questions or comments on this or other blog posts.  May our Lord Jesus Christ find us faithfully loving others as He loves us and fulfilling the Great Commission of Matthew 28:19-20 with a Great Commandment heart Mark 12: 29-31.

Divine Appointments

Just to let you know...over the last few months God has blessed us with several divine appointments that have led to speaking opportunities, teaching times, donations to TBI, and encouragement or accountability for me.  I am thankful for the ways Jesus ministers to me and us through others.  My prayer is that we can be a blessing to many and equip learners to become apprentices who will be facilitators and eventually mentors of others.  (L-A-F-M) 

This model seems to be the simple way God has used us to prepare men and women to be marriage mentors and ministry leaders over the years.  This process is not very fast but by God's grace He has developed some awesome people into awesome mentors who lead others into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ.  We are seeing leaders "live loved" and "give love freely"..."starting at home".  We are also prayerfully, diligently following after our Lord to guide us to do the same in our own home.

I am very thankful for two key "not so current" divine appointments.  Carol, my wife, is a gift to me from God through a divine appointment 40 years ago when we met, then continued dating, and eventually married.  Her love for me is a precious, undeserved gift.  I love her.

Jeanne, Suzanne, and Paul are our 3 grown children and their being given to our family is a divine appointment or 3 divine appointments.  Jeanne is currently working with TBI full time, and her excellent help has been absolutely key to our current level of success.  Suzanne and Paul have families of their own where the principles we've learned, taught, and attempted to model are being implemented in Christ-centered homes.  No one does this life perfectly, but they and Jeanne are practicing what we have taught and loving well those in their families and beyond.  Erin, Paul's wife, and Nathan, Suzanne's husband, are truly gifts from God and answers to our heart-felt prayers that God would provide loving spouses for our children.  We have seen Jeanne taking wise steps in her past and current relationships to establish a firm foundation for modeling Christ's love. 

I am extremely proud of Carol and our children.

Vacation and Funeral and Baby Girl

What a ride we are on!  Life continues to be filled with contrasting experiences, doesn't it? 

     We spent a week on a wonderful vacation together with the whole family at a friend's house in South Carolina....beautiful, restful, fun.  We'd decided not to rent a pontoon boat for cruising and tubing this year as a way to keep expenses down, then we discovered our friends had left us access to their incredible wave-runner.  Wow!  We didn't ride it very long each day, but each one who wanted to ride had the chance to spend some time on this fun machine.  Plus, I just felt pretty cool running around the lake on that thing - shades on, iPod - earphones blaring, wind in my hair....you get the drill.  :)  Having the family there for the week for seeing each other, having great conversations, laughing together, and watching our children love their families, each other, and us are priceless blessings.


All the while my friend Matt was back in Atlanta (Cumming) struggling in his fight with cancer. On Thursday evening, June 23, Matt went home to be with Jesus.  I found out Friday morning, June 24, from his wife / best friend.  She and his parents had requested a meeting the week prior to vacation to discuss funeral arrangements because all of us knew it would not be long.  It wasn't.  We held Matt's funeral on Tuesday, June 28, and heard from 5 people during the service about this great man, this great husband and father and friend.  I miss him terribly and as I sit here typing I can see his smiling face, hear his encouraging voice, and laugh inside at his humorous antics.  The blog I wrote about "everyone I meet today is really dying...how many are really living" was written just after my final face-to-face meeting with Matt.  Neither of us knew it would be the last.

Now to this week..
As we were with the family in South Carolina on vacation (June 19-26), we were hosting not just 12 of the Lewis and Adams family members, but #13 was with us but we didn't know what to call him or her because the gender of Suzanne and Nathan's #3 (to be born in November) was unknown.  Not any more!  While we were playing with Evan and Jonathan at the Wilshire Park in Gainesville, Wednesday, June 29, Nathan and Suzanne were at the doc's office finding out the gender of our grandchild #6.  Pink is our new favorite color.  We would have been equally thrilled with boy #3, but it is cool for them to be having a girl to add to the family.  She'll have two big brothers to watch over her!!!

Our Father continues to supply our needs according to the ways He has chosen, but one thing is for sure.  Every day is a day of prayer and provision for the needs of the day, and we want to learn more gratitude for all of it and especially to Him Who loves us so much to care enough to give us life in Jesus and provision for life here and hereafter.  We are blessed!

"Not down or out".