Communication 101

Communication 101 Key:

Communication is a Two-Way Street – James 1:19; Proverbs 15:1

“Communication is a drive in the country where I am a passenger more often than the driver.  I can observe and appreciate the scenery more when I don’t have to be in control.”
             
“To listen well to others well and attempt to understand them builds great potential for joy in that relationship and meets deep relational needs.”
Do you communicate respect or self-centeredness in communication?

Great conversations are similar to the dynamics of volleying in ping pong/table tennis.  Serve the ball (question) for a return (answer) not to score a point(win the argument or dominate).  Keep the ball in play, and in conversations attempt to move from speaker to listener often.

ACTIVE Listening

This acrostic may help you remember the ingredients.

Listen:
A – Attend, pay attention
C – Connect, body language, eye contact
T – Thoroughly listen, let others finish, be quiet and hear what is said
Respond:
I –  Insert questions and comments as appropriate, “Would you clarify?”
V – Verbalize understanding and identification without trying to “outdo”
E – Exit graciously:  pray, set next time, perhaps set limits up front by setting a time frame for the discussion so you don’t take too much time or give so much that other priorities suffer.  *

*Exit Graciously illustrated - (for example, “I have about 10 minutes before I have to be at my next appointment.”, “Perhaps we should wait until another time because I have only 15 minutes to talk.”, “Would you pray with me about this?”, When can we set a time to discuss this further?”, etc.)

What is communicated when we don’t listen well or don’t respond appropriately?  

• You are not important
• You are not a priority
• I don’t really like you that much
• Your opinion does not matter

    We might not want to communicate these feelings, but poor communication skills cause both parties to have to work harder to understand the truth / real meaning or intent.

Communication STOPPERS: replies that don’t help

• “Martyrs” reply - “You think that was bad, wait until you hear mine.”
• “Criticism” reply - “What’s wrong with you now?”
• “Ignore or change subject” reply - “Did you see those Braves yesterday?”, “I have to go get something.”, “Oh, look at the time.”
• “Minimize” reply - “It can’t be all that bad.”
• “Advice, logic, or reason” reply - “What you should have done was”
• “Sarcasm or humor” reply - “I am so sure that really happened!”
• “Pep talk” reply -“You are better than they are so just don’t worry.”

Notes – by way of explanation
1.  Ephesians 4:15 says we are to speak the “truth in love”.  When a person comes to us with expressed emotion – excitement, sadness, joy, or disappointment – our initial response sets the tone for the conversation.  The Communication Stoppers above are effective at killing communication or keeping it from getting real or deep.  A proper response initially to “rejoice with those who rejoice” or “mourn with those who mourn” works wonders if you want more from a conversation than grunts and one-word answers to your questions.  See suggestions below. (Romans 12:15

2.  Serve the Ball:  Asking questions such as, “Would you tell me something about your day that made you feel successful?” might evoke deeper response than “How was your day?”

1. Return the Volley:  Responding well is another key to conversation

• Responding to “Honey, I had the worst day today and didn’t sell a thing.” – might sound like, “I am so sorry you had such a discouraging day.  My heart hurts to see you so sad.”
• Responding to “Honey, I got the best complement today from a client.  He said I was the best he’d ever seen at doing my job.”  - might sound like, “That is so great.  You are very skilled at what you do, and I am so proud of you.”  

Conclusion:  The ACTIVE Listening skills listed above may sound like a foreign language, but they are key components in the language of the heart.  This language of the heart is of great value when the communication of love and care is the goal.

Sorta' Like Pullin' Weeds

Rain on the Soil Loosens the Roots of the Weeds

Background Information:

Mourning allows the unresolved hurt and guilt harbored in your heart to break free from the hard soil that holds them - roots and all.  Receiving God's comfort allows us to experience God's love so deeply that we know we are not alone and trust Him to set us free from the failure and pain of the past. He removes the pain and guilt - roots and all.

Sorta' like pulling weeds.

Since I have moved to Georgia, I have experienced the difficulty of removing weeds from my lawn.  That is, I had difficulty until I figured out that the soil is much more willing to release the roots of the weeds after a rain or irrigation.  When we mourn our hurt, the sadness and tears moisten the soil of our heart and allow the roots of our pain to be more easily removed. When the comfort of God comes to bring us release, He effectively removes the root and stem of the pain and begins the healing process.  Leave the root and the week grows back.

          But there is a caution that must be mentioned.  Each of us attempts to find “comfort” for the hurt we experience or cause.  We attempt to distract ourselves, numb the pain or guilt, accuse others, excuse ourselves, and the list of possibilities that fit these categories as “comforters” actually represents a list of “false gods”.  Have you noticed that those who turn to “false gods” for comfort or to have their needs met usually invite other people to join them, especially if the “false god” actually provides some temporary relief or distraction? Sin may satisfy us for a while, but the resulting addiction to the sin means that the sin that “I have” now “has me”.

         Some turn to sexual sin to attempt to meet the need for affection or respect.  Some turn to money, position, or busy-ness to attempt to manipulate others to meet the needs of respect, acceptance, appreciation, etc.  Others gossip or exaggerate in order to have an exciting story so others will give them attention. These false gods, usually discovered through the practice of our coping mechanisms, leave us fearful as we run out of choices, insecure since none of them actually satisfy the deepest needs, and anxious because we are still “alone” and may feel very “unloved” though we’ve tried “everything”.  No wonder Jesus said that we should mourn.  We need to mourn.

          Self-reliance drives some to handle their own pain or guilt by devising a coping mechanism to either deny the need exists, meet their own needs, or insulate themselves from future hurt.  Selfishness drives others to wallow in their pain and neediness in attempts to take resources from others so their own needs will be met and pain diminished, ... that is if their plan works.  It doesn’t work for long if it works at all.  Still others convince themselves that they don’t deserve to have their needs met because they are too “bad”.  This self-condemnation is a veiled admission that, at least in their opinion, God is not powerful enough or His love strong enough to do anything about their needs or their pain.

          If you carry no hurt or guilt, perhaps this process will assist you in leading others to freedom from unnecessary pain and to be able to “lay aside the weight and sin” that entangles and to “run with patience” the race set before them.  

          Hebrews 12:1-2 relates that we are to fix our eyes on Jesus.  In order to do that, we must take our eyes off our own guilt and hurt or off those people or things we are “worshipping” in hopes they will relieve our pain and meet our needs. Those people and things are not gods, and it is unfair and unwise of us to require that they meet our needs and heal our pain since they cannot and will not.

          On whom should our expectations/hopes be placed for our needs to be met? GOD, Himself, promises to meet our needs in His way and His time. (Acts 17:25; Matthew 6: 8; Philippians 4:19)  He certainly does place others in our lives with whom we share loving relationships and consequently meets some of our needs, as we meet theirs….spouse, children, parents, friends, co-workers, etc. 

          In whatever way God chooses to meet our needs, directly in our relationship with Him or indirectly via others, we will not always get what we need at the time we need it.  All of us human beings are both fallen (with a sin nature) and alone (100% needy of God’s love and provision 100% of the time).  We are selfish at times and hurt others by neglecting to adequately meet their true needs choosing to prioritize our own self-interest. Even with the best intent as parents or friends, we sometimes fail to show Christ’s love, leaving others alone, hurt, sad, or disappointed.  In a similar way others hurt us, intentionally or not, and leave us desiring comfort, love, encouragement, friendship, and true community.

          Though we can’t meet the needs of others perfectly and shouldn’t be expected to do so, we certainly can grow to love others more as Christ loves us, take responsibility for the hurt we cause others, and keep the relationships open.  Likewise we can learn to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) so that we can address the hurt we carry in a way that heals wounds and creates an environment for closeness.

Victims or Victimizers?

We are potentially both victims and victimizers in relationships:

Victimizers = we have hurt others and sinned against God:

·       Unless we mourn our sin and guilt to the depth of their roots in our soul, we may not realize the impact our sin has on God and those whom our sins and wrong choices have hurt.  We may continue to do the same hurtful things again and again.  True repentance is the antidote.  (1 John 1:9, 2 Corinthians 7:10) 

Victims = we have been hurt by others either intentionally or unintentionally.

·       Unless we mourn our hurt to the depth of the pain caused us by others, we may not be able to free ourselves from the grip that person or their offense has on us.

The idea is for us to love and be loved in relationships and to know how to heal when we aren’t either loving toward others or being loved well by others!

When we do hurtful things to others by deliberate choice or impulsive reaction, we leave them hurt and alone and find ourselves guilty.  Our guilt may come to us due to conviction of sins we have committed. Suppose no one teaches or shows us how to properly heal these feelings of hurt and guilt, what then?  Are we to simply cope with these poisons of the heart?

Since we have to “live with ourselves”, we are likely to try to relieve the pain of hurt and guilt.  Our choices include but are not limited to the following:

• Get busy to avoid the pain
• Take something to numb or medicate the pain
• Surround ourselves with people and things to attempt to replace the pain
• Convince ourselves that the pain isn’t real and deny the pain
• Manipulate the pain and use it for attention and sympathy

 

Have you ever seen a track and field competition?  What do the runners wear when they are ready for the competition?  Aren’t they wearing only as much clothing as they have to wear? And what they do wear is very light.  What would you think if you saw a runner with chains and weights attached to his feet as he prepares for the gun to fire and start the race?  Why would any runner who wants to win the race wear chains?  He will probably not win the race and may not even have the strength to finish well or at all.

The weight of our emotional pain burdens our life and exhausts us at times, doesn’t it?  If an athlete could remove those chains, he certainly should.  So should we remove the chains on our hearts.  Our attempts to “avoid the pain”, “numb the pain”, “replace the pain”, “deny the pain” or “use the pain” may lead us to some very unproductive methods for relief.

Have you noticed what people do to relieve their hurt?  Are these methods ever successful?

Suppose a person lives his life chasing the false gods (discussed above) that are not gods at all.  Don’t you think fear and insecurity would be natural results of the emptiness of chasing after gods that really can’t help?

On the heels of the fear, anxiety, and insecurity may come a sense of worthlessness or condemnation.  Life isn’t working as it should, and we may feel undeserving of anything good.  Perhaps we have been so wrong, so bad, and feel so inferior that we are convinced we don’t deserve to know the answer to our pain.  This is a place where some stop trying to find answers.  Not only do we sometimes turn the condemnation inwards upon ourselves, but also we may become very judgmental and condemning of others.  If we can make others look inferior, then we get some temporary satisfaction.

As we feel superior or better than others, we convince ourselves that we have some value.  This method doesn’t relieve the hurt or guilt or fear or insecurity because even the “little god of self” is no god. 

At this point, reached sooner or later by all who chase life’s illusive “little gods” for comfort, our weary traveler may become angry and bitter.  The anger and bitterness may turn inward or outward based upon the personality or circumstance.  If inward, the person becomes more deeply depressed, negative, impatient, and reclusive.  If outward, then rebellion, rage, or abuse may characterize the behavior.

In either case, this accumulation of poison in the soul/heart (weight and sin) or the building of prisons in the heart will result in a loss of the ability to feel healthy emotions, an increase in outbursts of anger or deeper valleys of depression, attempts to control others, physical side-effects, or various methods of escape to avoid the pain.  These behaviors, in turn, increase the probability of producing even more hurt and guilt; consequently, we violate the greatest commandment as we fail to love God, others, and self.

In stark contrast to the downward spiral of the life summarized in the above paragraph, Jesus Christ offers this hope: though “the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”  (John 10:10)  Jesus Christ offers real hope in the middle of this pain-filled world.  In the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5,6,7) He begins by giving 8 principles all of which begin with the word “Blessed”.  The Greek word actually means “happy, to be envied”.  Each one of these truths provides a key to unlock the chains of our pain and to set us free from prison.  Most people are not naïve enough to think that we can live this life “pain-free”, but believe that God is very interested in our living life free from unnecessary “weight and sin”. (Hebrews 12:1,2) He makes it clear that “abundance” comes from Jesus Christ and that our enemy’s design is to “steal, kill, and destroy”.  (John 10:10)  The presence of unresolved “weight and sin” might very well be our enemy’s greatest asset to lure us into his “steal, kill, and destroy” traps.

I have seen too many lives and relationships destroyed by a failure to effectively deal with “weight and sin”, and I believe life does not have to be lived in such a manner. Remember, you have been invited to “Cast all of your cares on Him, because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)  Christ’s love for us took Him to the cross to remove our guilt and He offers an intimate relationship with Himself and the comfort of His Spirit to heal the pain of this life.  As we lay aside “the weight and the sin” we will “run with patience the race set before us”. (Hebrews 12:1,2)

Do you notice that Jesus carries neither the residual pain of the hurt He felt or any guilt….no weight or sin?  Of course He had no guilt at all for He was perfectly sinless?  Jesus does know the pain of being rejected, acquainted with sorrow, and despised.  Our Savior dealt with His pain privately with His Father and publicly with His disciples.  He shared some of His pain with them:  disappointment, frustration, discouragement, and loneliness.  Jesus' heart remained tender to the needs of others and kept perspective on those who did the damage to Him and to others by dealing wisely with the pain He carried.  Although He had no sin therefore no guilt, He became sin for us at the cross and truly understands our pain.  

I don't know for sure all the things Jesus felt while living on earth, but even a brief review of Christ's life and interactions reveals tears, struggle, rejection, loss, sorrow, anger, and times of questioning His Father.  Jesus' wonderful heart stayed wonderfully pure.  Our heart, now His home, can also be purified and see God in a more accurate light and love Him even more.

So let’s join those who live the abundant life Christ offers by being set free to love!

WE ARE BLESSED WHEN WE DO

Blessed (happy, to be envied)  Read Matthew 5:4 - 

  -   "God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted."    (New Living Translation)

            When we know we are not alone in our hurt and that someone really cares, what happiness we feel!  Truly, we are in an enviable position when God comforts us by replacing guilt with gratitude and hurt with healing.  (I Peter 5:7, Psalm 23:4, Psalm 71:21, Psalm 119:50)

• Spiritually we are blessed because we now see God in greater light as the God of love He is!  For some, this may actually be the beginning of new life in Christ!
• Emotionally we are blessed because our hearts are free from unresolved hurt and guilt.  We are more aware of the needs of others.  We care more as Jesus does.
• You now have your guilt removed, pain replaced by God’s comfort, and see that God cares about your needs.  1 Peter 5:7
• We have actually experienced truth and found freedom to love and be loved.
• We have fulfilled a direct order from God:  Hebrews 12:1-2 (Weight and Sin)

   

For More Information and Study

          "The Deep Comfort - Two Big Questions ... and Answers"  may offer some more help toward a pure heart.  See the previous post and complete the assignment to see if you can discover what you carry and how to eliminate its influence in your life and relationships. 

          I would love to hear from you with questions or comments on this or other blog posts.  May our Lord Jesus Christ find us faithfully loving others as He loves us and fulfilling the Great Commission of Matthew 28:19-20 with a Great Commandment heart Mark 12: 29-31.

Divine Appointments

Just to let you know...over the last few months God has blessed us with several divine appointments that have led to speaking opportunities, teaching times, donations to TBI, and encouragement or accountability for me.  I am thankful for the ways Jesus ministers to me and us through others.  My prayer is that we can be a blessing to many and equip learners to become apprentices who will be facilitators and eventually mentors of others.  (L-A-F-M) 

This model seems to be the simple way God has used us to prepare men and women to be marriage mentors and ministry leaders over the years.  This process is not very fast but by God's grace He has developed some awesome people into awesome mentors who lead others into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ.  We are seeing leaders "live loved" and "give love freely"..."starting at home".  We are also prayerfully, diligently following after our Lord to guide us to do the same in our own home.

I am very thankful for two key "not so current" divine appointments.  Carol, my wife, is a gift to me from God through a divine appointment 40 years ago when we met, then continued dating, and eventually married.  Her love for me is a precious, undeserved gift.  I love her.

Jeanne, Suzanne, and Paul are our 3 grown children and their being given to our family is a divine appointment or 3 divine appointments.  Jeanne is currently working with TBI full time, and her excellent help has been absolutely key to our current level of success.  Suzanne and Paul have families of their own where the principles we've learned, taught, and attempted to model are being implemented in Christ-centered homes.  No one does this life perfectly, but they and Jeanne are practicing what we have taught and loving well those in their families and beyond.  Erin, Paul's wife, and Nathan, Suzanne's husband, are truly gifts from God and answers to our heart-felt prayers that God would provide loving spouses for our children.  We have seen Jeanne taking wise steps in her past and current relationships to establish a firm foundation for modeling Christ's love. 

I am extremely proud of Carol and our children.

Vacation and Funeral and Baby Girl

What a ride we are on!  Life continues to be filled with contrasting experiences, doesn't it? 

     We spent a week on a wonderful vacation together with the whole family at a friend's house in South Carolina....beautiful, restful, fun.  We'd decided not to rent a pontoon boat for cruising and tubing this year as a way to keep expenses down, then we discovered our friends had left us access to their incredible wave-runner.  Wow!  We didn't ride it very long each day, but each one who wanted to ride had the chance to spend some time on this fun machine.  Plus, I just felt pretty cool running around the lake on that thing - shades on, iPod - earphones blaring, wind in my hair....you get the drill.  :)  Having the family there for the week for seeing each other, having great conversations, laughing together, and watching our children love their families, each other, and us are priceless blessings.


All the while my friend Matt was back in Atlanta (Cumming) struggling in his fight with cancer. On Thursday evening, June 23, Matt went home to be with Jesus.  I found out Friday morning, June 24, from his wife / best friend.  She and his parents had requested a meeting the week prior to vacation to discuss funeral arrangements because all of us knew it would not be long.  It wasn't.  We held Matt's funeral on Tuesday, June 28, and heard from 5 people during the service about this great man, this great husband and father and friend.  I miss him terribly and as I sit here typing I can see his smiling face, hear his encouraging voice, and laugh inside at his humorous antics.  The blog I wrote about "everyone I meet today is really dying...how many are really living" was written just after my final face-to-face meeting with Matt.  Neither of us knew it would be the last.

Now to this week..
As we were with the family in South Carolina on vacation (June 19-26), we were hosting not just 12 of the Lewis and Adams family members, but #13 was with us but we didn't know what to call him or her because the gender of Suzanne and Nathan's #3 (to be born in November) was unknown.  Not any more!  While we were playing with Evan and Jonathan at the Wilshire Park in Gainesville, Wednesday, June 29, Nathan and Suzanne were at the doc's office finding out the gender of our grandchild #6.  Pink is our new favorite color.  We would have been equally thrilled with boy #3, but it is cool for them to be having a girl to add to the family.  She'll have two big brothers to watch over her!!!

Our Father continues to supply our needs according to the ways He has chosen, but one thing is for sure.  Every day is a day of prayer and provision for the needs of the day, and we want to learn more gratitude for all of it and especially to Him Who loves us so much to care enough to give us life in Jesus and provision for life here and hereafter.  We are blessed!

"Not down or out".

Down but not Out

Man, today - right before my birthday - has been one of several challenges mostly from the financial side.  Oversights, computer/email errors, and just the droning on of the costs of living have been weighing on me this whole day after one of the best mornings with the Lord I have had in a while....

What does that say?  I know this is a test of resilience and faith, but I don't have to like it, right?  People have been so kind to give, and we've seen God doing great works of healing and encouragement in marriages and families, even churches, but I don't like how it feels not to be able to jump up and go, take my family where I want to - when I want, especially on my birthday weekend.

I guess I am having a bit of a pity party ,when the truth is I have nothing to fear or worry about .... in any arena of life.  God is gracious to let me vent, put up with me and even love me in spite of my self-pity.  I have been helped by simply writing this down and hearing myself think out loud and write / read my thoughts.  I am going to go and have fun with my family....inexpensive, together, hang out, be around each other, enjoy a few friends who are coming over, and eat birthday cake.  :)

Deep Comfort - Two Big Questions...and answers.

Deep Comfort for Emotional Pain (Hurt and Guilt)

       As a child, I wasn’t much for dark places.  Whether it was from living not too far from a cemetery, watching too many scary late-night movies, or freaking out when my older brothers jumped out from dark corners to see if they could watch a little brother die from heart failure, I am not sure; but for whatever reason, dark and I didn’t get along for years.

       You know how that works, right?  So why was I not frightened or not “as frightened” when someone was alongside me during any of these episodes?  Don’t you think that being alone during those scary moments makes the fear worse?  Many of us have had to walk through a “questionable” section of town alone, been lost on a lonely road after dark, or even been with someone we didn’t trust when they had way too much power over us for our comfort.  We have all been afraid of something or someone at sometime.

       Jesus’ disciples were given a “heads-up”.  He told them He was soon to be handed over to His enemies, crucified on a Roman cross, and that He would die.  It seems that even though He told them He would come alive again after 3 days, His followers didn’t hear that or comprehend it, because none of them showed up at His grave on the third day to watch Him resurrect.  Oh, there were some ladies who came to finish the rushed job Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimithea did when they wrapped Jesus’ body for burial after His crucifuxion; but those dear ladies didn’t come to watch Him rise from the dead.

       Read what the disciples felt when Jesus left them alone as He gave Himself up to be crucified.  He had been with them and now He was leaving them alone for a while.  They felt His absence deeply.

Jesus Predicts His Death

Matthew 16:21-23 (NLT)

21 From then on Jesus* began to tell his disciples plainly that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, and that he would suffer many terrible things at the hands of the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but on the third day he would be raised from the dead.

22 But Peter took him aside and began to reprimand him* for saying such things. “Heaven forbid, Lord,” he said. “This will never happen to you!”

23 Jesus turned to Peter and said, “Get away from me, Satan! You are a dangerous trap to me. You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God’s.”

Matthew 17:22, 23 (NLT)

22 After they gathered again in Galilee, Jesus told them, “The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of his enemies. 

23 He will be killed, but on the third day he will be raised from the dead.” And the disciples were filled with grief.

       When Jesus told the disciples the first time in Mark 9:30-32 the disciples didn’t understand but were afraid to ask Jesus what He meant.  Surely Jesus didn’t mean to say He was going to be crucified.  How could that be? Things were starting to go so well for Jesus and His disciples. 

       In the second recorded disclosure to the disciples that Jesus was going to be crucified, they were “filled with grief”.  For approximately 3 years Jesus had been with His disciples, teaching, encouraging, training, loving, and leading them.  Now or soon, they were going to lose Him to a horrible death…death by crucifixion. 

       The attitude and actions of very powerful people in the Sanhedrin, the ruling council of Jewish leaders, were progressively getting more and more hostile as they plotted and planned to get rid of Jesus.   First they tried to trick Him into saying something that would cause the people to turn away from Jesus to them.  That plan failed.  Since they couldn’t turn popular opinion back to being favorable to them over Jesus, they devised a way to kill Him.

       The disciples, as followers of Jesus, must have felt the heat from the rage and anger burning against Jesus, all He stood for, and those who associated with Him.  Now with Jesus prophesying His own death at the hands of the religious leaders AND the Romans, the disciples would have no one to defend them, to protect them….they would be alone against terrible odds.

       Being alone brings us into a more vulnerable state of mind, doesn’t it?  When we consider how God Himself said that it is “not good that the man should be alone” and then provided a “helper” or “companion”, the case for the “not good” of being alone gets stronger.  Being alone or disconnected or unloved or losing someone special or having to face life with no one close to you is truly “not good”.  In Genesis 2:18 the context involves the first man and woman being brought together to become “one” as God designed, and there God plainly said that “it is not good for the man to be alone”.

       Starting at Genesis 2:18 and examining scripture from cover to cover, we discover that marriage is not the only relationship God intended for us to enjoy.  He designed us to show His love to others by connecting with them regarding their physical needs.  We do this when we help, feed, cloth, protect, support, or otherwise meet physical needs and wants of another person.  (Dimension #1 – Physical Bridge of Relationships)

       Since there are needs in other dimensions, connection can be achieved and love shown as friends, when needs of the heart are met.  Dimension #2 – Friendship Bridge of Relationships can be crossed and the lives connected when people encourage, respect, listen, seek to understand, pay attention, appreciate, and accept others unconditionally. 

       Likewise, we have spiritual needs for a relationship with God and others that involves worship, prayer, Bible study, help with understanding and applying scriptural truth, serving in a ministry or on mission with another.  In these ways another bridge is crossed to connect 2 lives in Dimension #3 – Fellowship Bridge of Relationships.

       Can you see that these bridges can be crossed and connection made between 2 lives whether they are married, acquaintances, relatives, co-workers, or long-time buddies.  God built us for connection not “aloneness”. 

       However, many of us are not skilled at connecting and seem to feel alone more than we do loved or valued in our relationships. 

Big Questions 1 and 2:

1.  What do we do about the times when we feel disconnected because we have been hurt or left alone by someone who loved us but now they don’t, or is gone and can’t give us love, or just never loved us as we’d hoped they would?

2.  What do we do when we hurt others and feel guilt or alone and cut off by our own actions; and no matter how hard we try, we can’t reconnect to the one we have hurt or to God?

I have really good news regardless of the cause of our aloneness and pain.  God offers meaningful solutions not shallow suggestions.

Big Question #1:  Let’s look at the case where we are hurt, alone, and feel disconnected from someone who could love us or should have loved us.  This person may truly love us but not know how to show love in a way that helps us know it, feel it, believe it.  The person in question may be from our past or participating in our lives currently.

Understand the truth about those who fit this description:

o      They truly may not know how to communicate love.

o      The hurt they caused needs to be healed and can be.

o      We don’t have to do this work alone.  God is able to do it.                       See I Thessalonians 5:23, 24

Please take the time to experience these truths to help you connect to your Father in heaven. He truly loves you and always has:

·      God loves you very much.  John 17:23, John 3:16

·      You can mourn your hurt to Him or to a caring friend.  Matthew 5:4; 2 Corinthians 1:3,4

·      His comfort is real and He offers to enter your pain with you to let you know you are not alone.  I Peter 5:7, Matthew 11:28-30

His truth will set you free from the debilitating pain of feeling alone then guide you to connect with Him and with others.

The next section - Experience this Truth - is for you to work through at your own pace and in your own time.

Experience this Truth:  Matthew 5:4-Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.

·      Know it in your mind – Fact:  Read this passage several times and ask God for understanding; list those who caused your hurt (Use the Top Ten Needs list to help understand where your hurt originates.  The list appears at the bottom of this post.)

·      Know it in your emotions- Understand:  As you think about this truth, express your hurt and emotions to your Heavenly Father and others whom you trust

·      Know the truth in your will – Wisdom:  Make wise choices to continue to express your hurt before God and meaningful others and welcome His loving presence.  You are not alone after all.  You will probably have to let these truths process in your heart and mind again.

·      Know the truth experientially as you tear up the list of those who hurt you, express forgiveness, let them go, and remember that years of hurt may take some time to expose and even more time to deal with the roots of hurt  that have grown in your life.  But those roots can be pulled and freedom can be yours as Jesus Christ removes you from the prison of your pain.

       A good friend of mine told me her story:  “As a 5 year old, my mother cruelly abused me to the point that each night I would go to bed and simply talk to Jesus as I cried myself to sleep.  Jesus was my only and best friend.”

You know those times, don’t you?  There have been times when no one had to convince you through argument or examination of evidence that God is real.  You KNEW it.  There have been and still are those moments and days when the love of God and His comforting presence are more real than life itself.  In fact, Paul wrote that the “things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are not seen are eternal”

 2 Corinthians 4:18

Big Question #2:

Now let’s talk about the aloneness and pain we feel when we have hurt others, sinned against God, or clumsily damaged relationships by our poor choices and improper responses.

2.  “What do we do when we hurt others and feel guilt or alone and cut off by our own actions; and no matter how hard we try, we can’t reconnect to the one we have hurt?”

Experience I John 1:9:  “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

·      Know it in your mind – Fact:  Read this passage several times and ask God for insight into His Word; list those you have hurt / relationships you have damaged. (Use the Top Ten Needs list to help understand where your guilt originates.  The list appears at the bottom of this post.)

·      Know it in your emotions- Understand:  As you think about this truth, ask God how He feels about what you did and also how He feels about you – then and now.  Ask God to help you experience godly sorrow over what you have done – not crippling guilt but godly sorrow.

·      Know the truth in your will – Wisdom:  Make wise choices to express your guilt before God and, as appropriate, meaningful others and welcome His loving presence.  You are not alone after all.  Receive His forgiveness based on His promise in 1 John 1:9 and 2 Corinthians 7:10.

·      Know the truth experientially as you tear up the list of those you have hurt, express gratitude for God’s forgiveness, and determine to follow up with each person as God directs.  It may be that He will lead you to make right a wrong you have done by asking for forgiveness from them, repaying them for a loss you caused, or otherwise making sure the past offenses have been addressed. 

·      The roots of guilt may take a while to remove if they’ve been with you a long time or if your heart has ignored them and grown numb.  But those roots can be pulled and freedom can be yours as Jesus Christ removes you from the prison of your guilt.

In conclusion:

1.  You and I have been hurt and some of us still live in the prison of our pain.  Someone else has more control over your emotions and thoughts than you do, than God does, than those who truly love you do, and it is this prison of pain that keeps you from knowing how loved you are and from being the loving person you desire to be.  Jesus Christ lives inside you as a believer; but He doesn’t have all of you if you still live in the prison of past pain in your heart.  Grieve it, mourn it, release it to Him, accept His comforting presence…you are not alone and it is about time you felt the truth experientially.

2.  You and I hurt people and feel the guilt or numbness in our soul that comes from the knowledge that we have actually damaged others lives.  Isn’t it about time you took the key of mourning and allowed God to break into that prison so you can feel the true pain of what you have done, confess it before God and perhaps to others, receive the forgiveness God promised to you and offers you through faith in Jesus Christ, then reveal your freedom by blessing/helping in meaningful ways (to them) those you formerly hurt?

So, now what?  What will you do?  You are not alone.  Enjoy both your relationship to God that Christ died to purchase for you as well as your relationships with many others God designed you to love.  Get out of the prisons of painful aloneness and guilt so you can enjoy the freedom Jesus offers.

Top Ten Relational Needs (Heart Needs, Soul Needs) [1]:

Acceptance - deliberate and ready reception with a favorable positive response, even after failure (Rom. 15:7).

Affection – to communicate care and closeness through physical touch and words (Rom. 16:16).

Appreciation – to communicate with words and feelings a personal gratefulness for another (I Cor. 11:2).

Approval – expressed commendation; to think and speak well of (Rom. 14:18).

Attention – to take thought of another and convey appropriate interest and support; to enter into another’s “world” (I Cor. 12:25).

Comfort (empathy) – to come alongside with word, feeling and touch; to give consolation with tenderness (Rom. 12:15).

Encouragement – to urge forward and positively persuade toward a goal (I Thes. 5:11, Heb. 10:24).

Respect – to value and regard highly; to convey great worth (Rom. 12:10).

Security – confidence of harmony in relationships; free from harm (Rom. 12:16a).

Support – come alongside and gently help carry a load (Gal. 6:2).

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[1] Intimate Encounters, 1997, Dr. David and Teresa Ferguson

A Free Haircut and Big Cup of Coffee

Since our return from Honduras, Carol and I have reached a new conclusion.  We had been living on our credit cards and trusting God's supply to provide what we needed so that at the end of each month the card was paid off.  (He has been providing every month so that all bills are current. )  We'd start again the next month, whether the money to cover the charges was in the bank or "going to be in the bank".  I could tell that this method was causing Carol more anguish, so we discussed options.  Her take was that we could make sure that the balance in the checking account always stayed positive and not spend ahead based on what was coming in but on what was already provided.

The more I thought it through and considered the scriptures, I realized she was right. This plan feels very "right" to us and is helping us trust daily in God's provision.  So starting about a week ago we don't spend unless we know the money is in the checking account to cover - even if it is a credit card charge that won't be due for weeks.  Since that time God has been showing us His personal care and deep love for us in some new ways.

One of those ways came a day or so after making the decision described above.  After getting my haircut and knowing we had funds to cover the cost, I discovered that my haircut was free.  Now that may not seem like much but ... we had $46 in the account and the bill would have been about $20.  As I heard Jen tell me the service was free, I remembered our new strategy, smiled really big inside and probably outside too, and walked out thanking God for caring about the little things in my life as well as the big ones. 

A few days later at a meeting with a friend, that I got to know after I had taught Basic Training to a group of pre-marital mentors in North Georgia, he "hired me" to train his family in the Basic principles.  He saw in that training several keys he wanted his family to get.  So I went for coffee with a friend and came away with another way to teach these truths.  He sent a check to our umbrella group, Helping Hands Ministries, and donated a generous amount to help our ministry.  I didn't expect either of these blessings, but once again my Father in heaven had a plan to do "exceeding, abundantly above everything" I had imagined. 

Praise Him for being my loving, perfect Father and for keeping His promise to "never leave me or forsake me".  Thank you for taking time to read this blog post.